Traveling Europe “On the Cheap” and Subsequently Surviving the Purgatory of a Ryan Air Flight

We came to Paris because we wanted to travel in earnest. We wanted to employ our meager savings to suck all the experience we could from this fine continent. Every ventured journey from the “moveable feast” we now call home has swelled the borders of our understanding a little farther. Perhaps the most useful aspect of our newly acquired knowledge has come in the form of budget travel techniques in general and how to survive flying the dreaded Ryan Air in particular.

If we are leaving Paris by train, we rejoice in the fact that our travel is from city heart to city heart and the un-pleasantries of air travel are able to be avoided. The lack of Ryan Air suitcase Nazis, out-of-the-way airports, long security lines and cramped seating arrangement makes “riding the rails” a decidedly better option while traveling. Alas, the small windows of weekend freedom Lisa and I are able to devote to travel typically nullify the option of train travel. Indeed, reaching the other side of the eastern Alps or the southern Pyrenees mountain ranges in less than ten hours necessitates logging on to the Skyscanner and Bookings websites to see what deals are to be found. The stressful hours spent checking ticket prices against arrival and departure times, researching which weekends are the cheapest to fly, and what airport option is best are all worth it when you strike gold and find competitively priced tickets on a non-budget airline.

“Striking gold” with competitively-priced non-budget airline tickets are incredibly rare events and the vast majority of frugal travelers are force to book with the “no frills” airlines, the worst of which by far is Ryan Air. As Lisa and I are now seasoned travelers on that horrible airline, I feel it prudent to offer two survival tips to those who may someday find themselves seated in a dark blue airplane seat starring at a headache inducing bright yellow upright seat-table. Firstly, before embarking on such a flight, it is of primary importance that you have an iPod, iPad, or some other personal entertainment device along with noise-canceling earphones. Take pains to ensure that your device is fully charged and on your person before you enter the plane. These indispensable items will save you from going mad or committing murder when the Ryan Air Flight Attendants commence their relentless sales pitches over the loudspeakers peddling everything from smokeless cigarettes to charity-funding lottery tickets.

The other big Ryan Air survival technique has to do with the boarding queues and when to leave your comfy seat in the terminal to stand in line. With the exception of those who pay extra, boarding priority is given on a first come basis. While waiting for your Ryan Air flight to board, you may notice people starting to queue up about forty-five minutes to a half-hour before the flight is to leave. When this happens, you have a decision to make: stand uncomfortably in line and get a good seat on the plane or wait until the line thins and gamble on getting a bad seat. If you are traveling solo, you have the luxury of waiting comfortably until the line thins. As most Ryan Air planes have rows of three seats on either side, couples usually take up the middle and window seats leaving a sprinkling of isle seats available for late boarders. If, however, you are traveling with someone else and would like to be seated next to them, you should give up your comfy seat in the terminal and stand in line. While there are many other little Ryan Air survival tips, the two above are the most impactful in terms of making the flight a tolerable experience.

Of course you can avoid employing such survival tips altogether by simply not booking with Ryan Air. Unfortunately, this sometimes proves to be difficult. Ryan Air is like a corporate spider. It weaves a web of enticing prices to attract unsuspecting budget travelers. Ever should you find yourself mesmerized by the seductive dance of Ryan Air’s pricing practices, remember “caveat emptor!” or “buyer beware!” as the prices you see are not all that they seem. Ryan Air charges everything a la carte. They charge extra for refreshments, pillows, and boarding privileges. They charge extra for “web check-in” and “text flight status update.” The CEO of Ryan Air even famously quipped that he’d like to start offing “standing flights” so he could start charging customers for the luxury of sitting down. The only thing holding Michael O'Leary back from launching his “standing flights” initiative are the pesky safety regulations. Buyers should also be aware that Ryan Air often uses inconvenient and less desirable airports to save on costs. For example, Ryan Air does not fly from Paris’ two major airports but rather from Beauvais, which is over an hour and a half outside of the city. One should always be mindful of how far away a Ryan Air airport is from the desired destination and should always factor the inevitable incurred costs of getting to and from such airports. Only after evaluating all the extra costs of a Ryan Air ticket should you resolve to purchase.

Traveling Europe “on the cheap” is possible. However, in order to do so one will almost certainly have to fly Ryan Air at some point or another. Remembering the cautions and survival tips could make a significant difference to one’s bottom line and one’s sanity. Flying Ryan air is not the worst thing in the world granted one is prepared. If one is not, however, the degree of affliction one will endure will probably fall somewhere between Chinese water torture and waterboarding. While I have been fortunate to have never endured such grotesque hardship myself, I have flown Ryan Air without the proper precautions. Narrowly surviving that experience beseeches my humanity and obliges me to warn others of the perils of flying the Devil’s own airline, Ryan Air.